In the end it doesn't really matter

As I'm writing this it occurs to me that every day that goes by is one day closer to me dying. Which I don't know when that will be. But what if I did would that make it any easier, probably I would be able to beat all the bad stuff like alsimers and anything else that is bad like that.

Let's just say for instance if I did it today not many people would morn me my mom and my son that's about it. But if I did it today they would remember me as I am now which I think would be alot better than if I was sick. I've seen a few people in the hospital right before they died and that's all I remember. And I hate it because that wasn't them that was what ever it was. I want people to remember me like this. But like I said before I'm not going to. It would just be nice to know like a rough date when all the bad old stuff will happen so I can end it before that. 

To be or not to be

I've been thinking lately not so much about this relationship but on all my past relationships, and what I pretty sure I've noticed is I was the problem. I was angry, really really angry and I didn't know why. I mostly hid it with alcohol and pain killers. I really liked it and I think that was the major problem. If things were going right in my life I always had to create some sort of chaos, it was fun for me. It wasnt till years later that I realized how much it hurt the other people. I AM SORRY is something that they didn't hear very often. I was an ass hole, plain and simple. I never got physical, for me it was mental which is worse, I'm pretty sure. Any way none of you will read this but you are one of those that I hurt I want you to know I am truly sorry.